The panel I spoke on was about sex, gender, and the complicated and unclear space they both live in. To sum up REALLY briefly, if you think that we have just two genders, you’re not reading enough fiction, biology research, or Tumblr. And if you’re a writer, and all your characters are straight white guys, your writing is suffering for it.

We tried hard to steer away from the standard “Gads, don’t you haaaaate the portrayals of gender, sex, and gender variance in mainstream media?” As our moderator said, “Let’s aim away from the Gender Studies 100 questions and try to make this a 200-level talk.”

We talked about marvelous work in many media that get things right, like Ancillary Justice and Steven Universe, where gender is genuinely Not A Thing. We talked about stuff that gets a lot of it right, like Left Hand of Darkness and Sense8. We also talked about how to get it right, and the rules will likely not surprise you.

1. First, think about how to get it right. If you’re doing that sincerely, you’re ahead of the curve. But don’t give up there.
2. Second, when you create your characters, think first about what makes them uniquely who they are, regardless of gender. Then pick a gender. Or genders. Or none.
3. Third, encourage your characters to do what they do, regardless of their gender. If it creates conflict in the story, use that.
4. And, by the way, if you’re creating a world where gender doesn’t matter, then make sure it doesn’t matter. It’s harder than it sounds, by the way–if people can look at a character and tell what gender someone is based on their actions, you’re not there yet!
5. And if you’re making someone genderqueer or non-gendered, and this seems to be another tricky one, don’t mix and match exaggerated gendered behavior stereotypes. It’s tempting, and it’s probably a mistake. Find something else for your character to be about and you’ll be creating someone both more subtle AND more credible.
6. Get readers who’re as close to the community as you can. You probably don’t know a transgender asexual diabetic Maori space pilot, but do your best. Ask on Facebook. Post queries on Tumblr.
7. Be fucking polite about it. While asking dumb, invasive questions can help you write less like an idiot, remember that your questions may well be dumb. And invasive. Be clear to people that you’re really grateful they’re taking time, and that you consider any answers they offer you a gift, not an obligation.
8. Prepare to make mistakes. Because you will. Hell, I do, and I’m trans! It’s a wild, wild world out there, and new discoveries destroy old wisdom every single day–twice a day on Tumblr. Be prepared to eat some crow and smile when you do it.

Now, some personal advice: when you screw up, OWN it. Listen carefully to why what you did hurt, and take it seriously even if you don’t understand it. Don’t be grudging in your apology, either: apologize to the person you hurt for causing suffering, not for getting caught. Ask if they have more they want to say, and if they’re willing, ask how you could approach things better the next time. If it’s bad enough, seriously consider retracting or revising things. You can’t solve everything; I offend certain people just by existing. But when you hurt someone else, do the hard work of keeping your defenses down and listening to what they have to say, even if they’re yelling angrily. There’s often an ass-cravat in these conversations–don’t let it be you.